Understanding why people Self Harm

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What is Self Harm?

Self harm is an act of deliberately hurting oneself either physically or emotionally. 

When we think of self harm, many of us think of cutting. The image that pops into my head is one of razor blades and bandaged wrists. This is certainly a large part of self harm and there are many forms of physical harm people inflict on themselves purposefully and often ritualistically that can be mild to severe. Self harm is common amongst teenagers and there is a great deal of concern and fear amongst people (professionals included) around the dangers this form of coping creates. There are often a great deal of misconceptions about 'why' people do this as well as around the risk and dangers. A common misconception is that people who self harm are suicidal. This is often not the case. Self harm is a coping mechanism that people who are hurting emotionally adopt. It is done to create a sense of relief, regardless of what that relief may be to each individual person. 

Why choose self harm?

The reason I am writing about self harm today is largely due to this question. Why hurt yourself MORE when you are already hurting? I feel it is this mentality that creates a big divide between people who self harm and those trying to understand why. To help someone who self harms or to help yourself if you are self harming, this is a very important question to gain answers to and seek to understand.

I mentioned before that the intention of self harm is to create a sense of relief. For a person who is self harming, the goal is to hurt less, not more. To understand how physical pain or discomfort makes a person hurt less, you need to understand how emotional pain can hurt. Many people find this concept so difficult to comprehend as we live in a world that has mastered the art of repressing painful emotions. Many of us are very cut off from our difficult emotions and wear many masks in our daily lives to hide how we really feel. People who self harm are struggling to keep these masks on. They are finding their emotions difficult to live with, to bare, to keep in. They are in pain. Inherently,they have lost a sense of control and feel powerless to their emotional pain.

Self harm is a controlled act. It gives the person control over their pain. They are able to choose their pain and where to place it. They are able to distract from the emotional pain by redirecting their senses to their self inflicted physical pain. They have taken ownership of their bodies. They have pushed through numbness and reconnected with something tangible, something real and something that they can feel and manage the feelings of. Many people feel so awful inside that this form of punishment mirrors what they feel they deserve. It reflects what they are feeling inside. The outside wound helps to highlight the inside wound in a way that is outside of the 'unknown'. We all fear the unknown to some extent. Many of us fear our internal pain. The more emotional trauma we have, the greater the internal pain and the more enormous and frightening this 'unknown' part of us becomes. Self harm is a coping mechanism, it is done to create relief and ultimately 'help' the person. This is not the mentality of suicide, this is not giving up. In fact, this is a fight for life, for connection, for relief.

The Emotions behind Self Harm:

This is not a black and white answer because each person is unique and there will be many different core emotions. Some people, depending on their past childhood experiences and trauma, may have more than one core emotion. I would say that people who reach this point of coping will have an accumulated range of trauma ranging from mild to severe. Childhood sexual abuse is a common example to give for trauma leading to self harm as a coping mechanism. Chronic neglect (physical and/or emotional), physical abuse, unprocessed grief, chronic emotional abuse and disability are also good examples. There are also situations such as bullying, medical trauma and other external stresses and hardship that may come into play. Thus the core emotions can be fear, anger, disgust, shame or sadness; it all depends on the experiences and individuals involved. The key factor to understand, however, is that these core emotions have not been regulated or processed by the individual. These feelings have been repressed and the trauma has not been integrated.

The act of self harm and actively harming oneself in order to gain relief is done from a place of shame and/or disgust. Self harm is the opposite of self love and self care. As this act is a reflection of what the person feels inside themselves, it reflects a self hatred and loathing. Self harm thus comes from these negative feelings inside that are, for want of a better word, 'dark'. The act of self harm is a form of self punishment and the person consciously or unconsciously believes that they deserve this pain. Internally they are punishing themselves through negative thinking, low self esteem and judgement. The physical act is a reflection of this. They are not placing value on their physical bodies and have become detached from who they really are (their authentic selves) underneath all their internal pain and suffering. Shame is linked to powerlessness. As mentioned above, self harm is a controlled act which invariably brings about a renewed sense of power (however short lived). For people who feel powerless, self harm may relieve this feeling of powerlessness and the sense of control and power understandably can become addictive. 

Self Harm and connectedness:

The physical pain or discomfort also brings about a connectedness between the mind and body. For those who have endured physical and sexual abuse, this connectedness is a way to combat dissociation. Dissociation is a splitting of the mind from the body in order to cope with the physical trauma the body is enduring. This becomes a coping mechanism for many survivors of abuse, particularly sexual abuse. Survivors of this form of abuse develop many emotional triggers and will dissociate regularly when faced with reminders and triggers of their past abuse. Self harm is a way to feel, to connect to the body and to ground oneself back into reality or the present.

Self Harm is not always black and white:

Self harm is not always about cutting or burning or other visible methods. Many people harm themselves in other less overt ways. Eating disorders are a good example of this. Not all eating disorders require hospitalisation, starvation and obesity. Many people over or under eat and do this from a place of shame or disgust (self-loathing). I personally used to emotionally eat when struggling and at times still do. How many people eat food which they know is bad for them? How many people need caffeine to get by, a chocolate fix, a sugary reward for a tough day? Where is the line between treat and self harm? You just need to look at the number of people struggling with weight issues, body image issues and addictions to see that self harm is not a black and white issue. It is an emotional issue. Unprocessed emotions and trauma that have led to a place of shame and disgust.

How do you tackle Self Harm in terms of healing and awareness?

The first point I would like to make is that this is not a simple issue of 'attention seeking'. I find those 2 words extremely hindering in our modern world as I see them minimise and deflect very real and important issues going on for people. I often say to people, in any attention seeking context: If the person is going to this extreme to gain attention, it is a clear indicator of something being wrong. Our society likes to blame the victim. I feel this stems from fear and a lack of understanding and resources to deal with what they are being faced with. Seeking to understand, growing in awareness and finding compassion is vital.

We need to stop burying our heads in the sand. People who self harm are hurting and internally wounded. They need help not judgement. They are doing this from a place of shame, your judgement will increase this shame and place them more at risk. Ignoring them and pretending everything is fine is also shaming them as this translates into: I am not worthy of help, I disgust and repel people, I am not cared about, I am unlovable. This is when the self harm may start moving into a destructive path of suicidal ideation.

Shame is at the root of low self esteem

Self Harm is a cry for help. To help someone is to look past the behaviour and focus on their feelings. Listen, care, support and refrain from judgement. You can't remove someone's coping mechanism without giving them new ways to cope. The solution starts within, emotionally, through a positive relationship without judgement. Helping people to learn how to build up their self esteem and access self love. This is not an over night process and will often require professional support as well as support from loved ones. In a nutshell, the more support and care the person receives, the better!

Lets change the focus from 'what' the behaviour is to 'why' are people hurting so much internally? Why are people coping in this way? What do they need emotionally? Learn about the emotion 'shame'. The solutions lie within compassion, love and empathy. 

Lets not turn our back on those most in need of help.

Be kind to yourselves

XX

Paula

 

What is going on in South Africa...Emotionally?

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In Brief, the situation is escalating:

I certainly don't claim to be a political expert here and I am far from all-knowing when it comes to the current economic, political and social climate that faces the country I have lived in for most of my life. We read all sorts of chilling reports of farmers being tortured and killed, xenophobic attacks, extreme poverty, family violence, homelessness, high crime rates, violence, HIV/AIDS, lack of services, an electricity crisis, a corrupt government, a corrupt justice system and the list sadly goes on and on. 

We start to blame. We want accountability. We need somewhere to place our growing fear, anger, powerlessness, disgust, sadness and pain. Many of us are in grief. Many of us carry layers of trauma. Many of us are suffering an unimaginable sense of loss. We cry for our beloved country and long for peace and stability. Some of us watch from afar, like myself, having fled from the trauma or threat of potential trauma in search of safety and a second chance. Others watch the chaos around them, finding the South African sense of humour to be wearing very thin. We all fight. We fight openly or on the inside, these battles that are full of frustration, angst and bitterness. We watch as our people suffer or create suffering. We start to turn on each other. The only question on my mind here is:

What is going on in SA...Emotionally?

We will all turn blue in the face trying to point fingers and fight for our own beliefs about change and what should be happening. This is not to say 'stop fighting for change'. I want to talk about change when it comes to people. I want to share my observations, experiences and knowledge with you all in a way that has no separateness. When it comes to emotions there is no room for race, class, gender or age. We ALL have them.Our reactions to emotions and the triggers for emotions may vary, but we ALL feel. No one is worse or better off when it comes to our feeling bodies. I feel this is the ONLY place to start. I am going to break down 5 of the 6 core emotions for you and give you my take on each of these in regards to the beautiful people of South Africa, past and present. This situation did not emerge from race, it is exacerbated by it. To heal one must look at the root cause and I believe this lies in the realm of emotions. Childhood trauma is fundamental in this...hear me out:

Fear:

I thought I would start with fear as this emotion is very prevalent currently and has been for as long as I can remember. Fear is an emotion that alerts us to perceived danger or harm. It's benefit is to warn us and keep us safe. Fear is very much associated with our sense of safety and stability in the world. This is not just our physical safety, which is an area most people will think about initially. I want to talk about emotional safety. In my work I talk a lot about emotional regulation which involves teaching children how to recognise and manage their emotions. If fear is not regulated and validated as a child or these emotional needs regarding fear are not met, this creates an internal instability and anxiety. This can occur when there is no physical trauma and parents indirectly teach their children to suppress their emotions and don't comfort and soothe children when they are scared and anxious. Think about this now in terms of trauma. How many children have been abused and neglected. How many children have fled their homes due to violence and are now living on the street. How many children live in extreme poverty where they have no warmth, food, medicine and basic hygiene. Most children are unable to attend school and are immersed in problems that are way beyond appropriate for their age groups and comprehension. Children in South Africa witness violence on a regular basis. They live within a culture rife with anxiety and fear. They model behaviours of caution and learn from the beginning that the world is dangerous and people cannot be trusted. No matter who you are, if you live in South Africa you have childhood emotional trauma regarding fear and stability. Your sense of safety in the world is often in question. Those children living in poverty or on the streets have a level of trauma that is unimaginable to most people. Most people live in a state of survival which is contradictory to inner peace and freedom.

Disgust:

There are 2 forms of disgust. One is innate and all people are born with this emotion. This form of disgust helps us to recognize and become repelled away from something that may potentially make us sick or cause us harm. Think of bodily excretions, illnesses, rotting food or flesh, bad smells etc. Disgust in this pure form gives us an in-built protection and is extremely important.

The second form of disgust is learnt through our upbringing, cultures and experiences. This form of disgust is very relevant to South Africa as it is linked to our sense of morality. This sense of morality is based on our perceptions of social justice and our own personal beliefs. This is where racism comes into play. Similarly to fear, disgust is linked to our perceptions of threats and potential harm. When we are taught that difference is something to fear or is harmful in some way, we often feel a sense of disgust (sick to the stomach) when coming into contact with a representation of that thing. If a certain race group is seen as dangerous, immoral or wrong we will begin to create a divide between ourselves and this race group. This is caused by a fear of difference and the perceived harm these differences may hold. Our reaction to this race group will then become one of disgust as we have trained our brains to see this group as something harmful and dangerous.

The details of why these race groups may be harmful are irrelevant. The fact is that we have created this divide and categorized ourselves racially for a number of reasons. No two people are the same, regardless of their commonalities and identification to a race group or way of life. Creating separateness is done to appease our own emotional needs of belonging, stability and safety.

Shame:

Shame is different to guilt. Guilt is an associated emotion of shame and involves the feeling of having done something wrong. Shame on the other hand occurs when we mistake having done something wrong for believing there is something fundamentally wrong with us. This happens in childhood when the emotion of guilt has not been regulated. A common occurrence is when parents do not make the distinction of a behaviour being naughty and call their children naughty without fully explaining the difference. Children do not have the brain development to make this distinction for themselves.They will blame themselves for things that go wrong, for their parent's unhappiness, for problems that occur and so forth. If children are not taught otherwise they will develop a belief that they are not good enough or they are unworthy or fundamentally flawed. This creates low-self esteem and the more shame they experience, the greater the problems they will experience later on. Shame is at the route of mental illness. Shame gets in the way of our ability to be in healthy relationships. Shame causes us to feel triggered and threatened in so many ways. We develop a world of coping mechanisms to attempt to hide ourselves from others but most importantly ourselves. 

This is where blame and judgement comes in. In order to make ourselves feel better we compare ourselves to others. The more we feel superior, the more a false sense of comfort, belonging and safety comes over us. This doesn't last, however, because these needs cannot be met externally. This is why serial killers continue to kill again and again. They are seeking the relief they are anticipating getting when feeling powerful. Shame is strongly associated with powerlessness. The more powerless people feel, the more desperate they become to gain power. Our morals and values determine our limitations to how far we will go to achieve this. If someone has not been taught the value of human life, have not been taught compassion, empathy, love and respect...these limitations may become fragile. I believe the power struggles in South Africa stem from a deep sense of powerlessness in our nation as a whole.

Anger:

Anger is a powerful emotion and is linked to our sense of fairness, justice and personal boundaries. Anger helps to keep us safe by allowing us to create these boundaries around what we want and don't want in our lives. Most of the population live with a sense of injustice due to lack of services, financial stress, rampant crime, violations etc. This emotion also ties into our own self respect and how much we value ourselves. People who have a great deal of shame often struggle with setting boundaries and with feeling anger appropriately in relation to injustice or lack of fairness and respect. Victims of childhood sexual abuse are often a good example of this and will often find themselves in abusive situations again and again. As anger doesn't evaporate if not expressed, we internalise it. Many people struggle to regulate their children's anger and punish children for expressing anger. Anger is very closely linked to fear and often behaviours that reflect anger stem from the emotion fear, especially in children. 

South Africa has a strong and deep set culture of punishment, especially when it comes to parenting and childcare. There are no laws that protect children from this and therefore very little movement in regards to questioning this form of discipline. Children are emotional beings as their brain development for thinking and cognition does not start to develop properly until after the first 6 years. This means that although they are able to start having thoughts, their thinking is very basic and they are unable to conceptualise and rationalise in the same ways as adults. They interpret the world through feelings and they need someone to help them identify what they are feeling and what that means. Children react to their feelings through their behaviour which is often seen as being bad or acting out. Punishment in the form of physical aggression and violence (hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, forcing children to eat something like soap or hot sauce etc) creates a sense of anger in children. It becomes a vicious cycle. Many children in South Africa are taught to deal with their fear and anger (and shame as punishment in this form creates shame/powerlessness) through violence and lashing out aggressively. When you add trauma and fear this emotion becomes heightened and the aggression will increase.  

Sadness:

Sadness stems from a sense of loss. Loss comes in many forms and is not specific to people and pets. We feel loss when we have had to part with or lose something or someone of value to us. This can even be a part of ourselves, for example we may yearn for our younger years or a time when we looked or felt a different way. Sadness is at the route of depression and is experienced as a withdrawal, lack of energy, heaviness and grief. Pain and sorrow are closely associated emotions with sadness

In terms of South Africa there is an enormous amount of loss. Many people are experiencing loss in the form of finances, property, employment, theft etc. The biggest one is that of grief and bereavement for loved ones. Violent crime, illnesses such as HIV/AIDS and TB, starvation, driving under the influence and many other national crises mean that there are many of us who have lost one or more loved ones too soon. Grief is in itself a trauma and the large amount of grief and lack of services to support grief mean that people will again be prone to heightened states of fear, anger, disgust, anguish, blame and many more emotions that come from unprocessed grief. There are so many pressures on the South African population and so much exposure to pain and heartache, we become almost de-sensitised. I say almost purposefully. It is not actually de-sensitisation in my belief, it is again a survival mechanism of creating separation. This creates further divide. If we were to embrace the countries pain and sorrow fully we would literally implode emotionally. We would all be breaking down due to the inundation of the trauma and instability.

So where does that leave us?

This is not something that can be changed over night and in terms of the solution...that is largely unknown. What I do know is that we all need a new way of looking at things where we can bridge this separation and the racial and economic divides. As with anything, the only thing you can control is yourself. If everyone spent some time on their own trauma and supported those people around them I believe we could start to chip away at this emotional warfare. Be mindful of what you say and how you portray that to your children. Look at others with compassion and concentrate on your own boundaries. Be kind to yourself when acknowledging that you may be in survival and are living with emotional stress and strain. Make decisions based on your own needs and support other people for doing the same. If you are fighting and advocating for this country, do not do this at the expense of your own health and well-being. When you look at things from an emotional perspective you are not looking at the behaviours or the differences between people. We are all connected and we all feel. Causing pain always comes from a place of being caused pain. No person is born evil. Are some people dangerous, absolutely. Compassion does not mean welcoming these people into your life. Compassion means empathy and allowing yourself to see people as humans, see the damage for what it is and release yourself from feelings of hate and anger. Allow yourself to feel, it's ok to be afraid, to feel loss and pain, to feel whatever it is you need to feel. Start within and start meeting your own needs!

Take care
XX
Paula

The different faces of 'Disgust' and how to regulate this emotion

Please check out my video's on my Youtube channel or like my Facebook Page for parenting support and information XX 

There is more to Disgust than meets the eye!

I have recently explored the emotion 'disgust' in a much deeper way as I have realised this was an under regulated emotion for me in my childhood. We all have a pretty good idea of the general understanding of this emotion and will often use the phrase 'I feel disgusted' in many different contexts.

How many of us actually spare a thought for this emotion and what it means to us though? I know I have seldom spent much time reflecting on my own experiences of disgust. I spend a lot more time working on my fear and shame and even anger and pain. Disgust seems like a natural reaction to sickening things. Most people are aware of the feeling of disgust when coming into things like vomit, faeces, rotting food or flesh, symptoms of illnesses (boils, rashes, mucous etc.), pungent smells, weird textures and so forth. The benefit of disgust is actually to alert us to what may make us ill or harm us should we come into contact with it and is therefore a very valuable emotion we have for our inbuilt protection. It informs us very clearly what we should stay away from and all humans are equipped with this emotion (it is one of our core emotions). In fact I have read an interesting tit bit that has identified the 'scrunched up' face commonly associated with disgust is an innate reaction and not learned. It was previously believed babies learn this face from people who pull it when changing their smelly nappies. They have since found that people who have been blind since birth and who have never 'seen' this face will still pull it instinctively when smelling or feeling something 'disgusting'.

An example of a'scrunched up' face of disgust

I am, however, learning how much more complex this emotion is and wanted to share some thoughts around this with you all, particularly if you are parenting young children and teaching them about emotions.

Disgust is linked to our morality.

This is something you'll often read if you do a Google search on this emotion. What does it mean exactly, and more importantly, how do we regulate this emotion? Think about it, we often feel disgusted when hearing about certain social injustices such as rape, murder, torture, animal abuse, child abuse etc. It can make us feel sick to our stomachs. That is the physical reaction the emotion disgust often gives us. These social injustices feel pretty common and disgust seems to be a 'natural' reaction right? What about cultural 'injustices' or practices? I put 'injustices' in inverted comma's because these will be determined by our own individual beliefs. For some people the idea of homosexuality is considered 'disgusting'. Perhaps certain races provoke a feeling of disgust. We can feel disgust with certain diets and foods people choose to eat. We can find certain body shapes disgusting. You get the idea. Perhaps you feel disgusted when people hold the beliefs I have described above. 

The truth is that these forms of disgust are very much a product of learning, beliefs, culture and experiences. This is not an innate sense of disgust that you are born with like the reaction you would have to smelling faeces. When disgust is linked to our morality and sense of being 'sickened' at the thought of something, it can associate with other powerful emotions such as anger and fear. There is research showing links to the emotion disgust and Anxiety due to this association with fear.

What is the impact of disgust if not regulated?

The bottom line is that we will all have levels of disgust that influence our tolerance levels and behaviour. This is pretty much unavoidable because we are social beings and we are always learning from our environments and the people around us. We all come from many cultures. We come from a family culture, a social culture, an age group culture and many other cultures that we choose to associate with depending on our interests. We have many roles, we have one or more ethnicities, we have a sex and choose our gender, we join teams, choose professions and jobs and we make friends and identify with different groups.

When we choose something we are saying no to something else. This is life and life is full to the brim of decisions. So where does disgust fit in? What makes us feel such a powerful reaction to something where other people may not have the same reaction? We need to question this because at the end of the day the very things we feel are right or wrong are perceptions based on our beliefs and experiences. These all stem from our cultural upbringing. If we are taught that difference is something to be feared (many of us are taught this indirectly) then we perceive that difference to be harmful. If disgust is an inbuilt protection against something that could harm us if we come into contact with it...it makes sense that these acts of immorality will cause us a reaction of disgust. If this is a bit confusing I apologise. To sum it up, in order to regulate or manage the feeling of disgust, we need to remove the fear of difference. We don't, however, want to remove our empathy. There is nothing wrong with feeling disgust when learning of someone being harmed. In fact that is appropriate for the most part. We need to ask ourselves the question honestly 'Is this situation harmful to me or other people'? If we are living with disgust at the thought of people of the same sex finding love, we need to ask ourselves 'Why do I perceive this as harmful'? This will begin the process of unravelling our own beliefs and limitations.

              *Disgust and Fear both protect us from potential harm.

 * If we are taught that something is harmful based on a ‘fear’ we can feel ‘disgusted when we  come into contact with it.

 * If we are taught to fear differences instead of accepting them, they 'become' potentially harmful  to us and we react to this.

How do we teach our children about disgust?

When we hold a belief tightly out of fear to the point where an alternate belief causes us to feel disgust, we set ourselves up for a shame bomb (as I call them). What happens if you try something that you previously found disgusting and realise you like it? When this emotion is not regulated it can set you up to feel shame for liking that previously disgusting thing. Take the example of 'French kissing'. As a young child you may have found the idea of sticking your tongue in someone's mouth disgusting. Lo and Behold, try it and you realise it's pretty nice. If you are not used to this emotion and don't understand difference, changing opinions and trying out new things with an open mind you may think 'If I like this disgusting thing, I must be disgusting' (shame makes people feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with them). This is how shame works and children are very prone to this way of thinking.

To regulate or manage the emotion disgust the lessons to be taught involve 2 areas. The first area is around the innate disgust where you will attend to this emotion, name the emotion and validate your child when they correctly identify a substance, sight, texture or smell that is something to be avoided. Praise them for this and encourage them to trust their gut. This will keep them safe. It is important to remember that this emotion only starts to really form after about 2 years old so you will need to monitor them and stop them putting things in their mouths (many kids like to eat pooh etc,).

In regards to moral disgust which is centred around social justice and the sense of right and wrong, the lesson is around empathy and being able to see things from other people's perspectives. As I've said, we all come from a number of cultures and share different beliefs. It is impossible to avoid socialising your child into certain cultures or influencing their beliefs. You will also need to teach them about safety and what is lawful and what behaviours are harmful. It is very tricky to navigate. The best way is to work on teaching children about compassion for other people, teaching children about tolerance and helping children to understand that 'people are all different and just because they are different does not mean they are wrong'.

Children learn from you, watch what you are saying:

To end off I wanted to highlight that children model their beliefs on yours for the most part. You have the most influence over how your child views the world. This is why it is so important to keep conversations with children at an age appropriate level. If you talk about things that are beyond their comprehension, they will have limited understanding and make assumptions. You may make a small comment about someone's race and the child may form a prejudice against the entire race group as they trust you and your view points. You may rant about 'women drivers' and will be directly passing that same belief onto your child. Children are like sponges, be mindful of what you say around them. Teach children how to care about others and nurture their openness to question and learn. Teach them about difference so that they do not fear it. This is how you regulate this form of disgust.

I hope that's been helpful
Take care
XX Paula

Teach your kids to tolerate and accept differences :)

 

What are the 6 Core Emotions and why are they important?

Please check out my video's on my Youtube channel or like my Facebook Page for parenting support and information XX 

What do CORE emotions mean?

Many of us have a bad relationship with certain emotions and will often experience them as negative or difficult. The truth is though, we all have them and each one of them is beneficial to us. Different theorists may argue on the exact labels and number of core emotions we humans have. What is seldom contested however, is the fact that there are certain emotions that ALL humans experience and have been experiencing throughout the ages and within all social, cultural and ethnic groups. I agree with the identification of there being 6 core emotions: Sadness, Joy, Anger, Disgust, Fear and Shame. Each of these emotions branch out into other associated emotions or feelings. We have many different ways of identifying with each emotion and the causes for each emotional reaction will differ between individuals and societies depending on beliefs and varying cultures. I know this all sounds a bit confusing. The bottom line is really quite straightforward, we are not so different underneath it all. We all FEEL. Our reactions are based on our emotions. Our thoughts and behaviours are very linked to our emotions. Behaviour is always a product of our thoughts and emotions.

As we grow up, our thoughts influence our emotions. We don't start out that way though. Our thinking or cognitions only start to develop after the first couple of years in childhood. Before we are able to think, we are driven by our emotions and sensory experiences of the world. This is why children are so genuine, innocent and straightforward. They are completely in touch with how they feel and react accordingly. Babies and toddlers all need similar things, regardless of their race, gender or environment. In fact, underneath it all, when it comes to emotions, adults also have similar needs. The problems lie within what experiences people have had in their childhood when attempting to get their emotional needs met.

Emotional Regulation:

This can be viewed as managing emotions. This is an extremely important part of parenting as it involves teaching children to identify and understand their own emotions. As mentioned above, children do not have the brain development to think about what they are feeling. They are unable to give it a name such as 'afraid' or 'angry'. They feel it in their body and react to these feelings instinctively. The role of the parent or primary caregiver is to help them understand what they are feeling and show them how to manage or cope with whatever they are experiencing. This is the same for all of the emotions, you are never expected to change how someone feels, especially not children.

It can be very difficult to accept that your child feels angry or sad or afraid. It can also be tempting to correct the child when YOU feel there are no justified reasons for the emotion. Emotional regulation is about validation. Teaching the child that it is ok to feel the way they feel and you will accept and love them through it. This displays unconditional love and teaches the child that they can trust themselves and how they feel. This will build up their self-esteem and confidence in the world. It will also enable them to value and love themselves. Having a healthy relationship with emotions will be the best gift you can give your children.

Every emotion is important and should be regulated and appreciated!

Anger:

Anger is a powerful emotion and is often felt when there is a sense of injustice towards yourself or someone else. Anger allows us to learn what our boundaries are and helps to keep us in check with how we expect to be treated. Anger helps us to defend ourselves and will alert us to our needs regarding fairness and respect. We often feel anger in our bodies in the form of tension and increased heart-rate. It is always good to pay attention to how you experience anger so that you may identify it early on, before it becomes overwhelming or harmful.

Some associated emotions and feelings for anger include:

Irritability

Frustration

Rage

Hatred

Tension 

Upset

Exasperated

Annoyed

Fear:

Fear is an incredibly important emotion as this alerts us to danger or threats to our safety. Safety does not always have to be physical, it can be emotional/mental too. We feel fear when we perceive something that has the potential to cause us harm. We feel fear in many different physical ways such as increased heart-rate, sweating, shaking, temperature fluctuations, tension, feeling sick or fluttery in our stomachs, tight chest or throat etc. People react to fear in many different ways.

Some associated emotions and feelings for fear include:

Worry

Stress

Insecurity

Instability

Nervousness

Jealousy

Cautious

Tentative

Anxious

Sadness:

Sadness is often a way of coping with loss of some kind. Loss can come in many forms and does not only involve a person or pet. When you lose something of value to you, this can bring about sadness. Sadness helps us to process this loss and grieve the change and pain this has caused so that it may be integrated into our world view or sense of selves. Sadness often involves withdrawal and internalising when experienced. Sadness can be felt in the body in many different ways such as a sense of feeling heavy, fatigued, tearful and emotional. 

Some associated emotions and feelings for sadness include:

Pain

Grief

Fragility

Upset

Lonely

Longing

Depressed

Anguish

Sorrow  

Disgust:

Disgust is an interesting emotion and lets us know what we don't like or can't bare to be around. Disgust can also occur when there is a sense of violation.  This emotion develops after the first 2 years. We often experience it in the forms of smells, certain tastes, textures and sights. Disgust repels us away from things that will often make us sick. We feel disgust predominantly in our gut in the form of sickness. People also pull a 'scrunched up' face that is very distinguishable for this emotion. Interestingly people who are blind also pull the same face despite never having seen it being pulled before (a natural reaction...). Some people literally are sick and may vomit if the disgust is intense. 

Some associated emotions and feelings for disgust include:

Repelled

Revolted

Violated

Repulsed

Nauseated

Horrified

'Grossed out'

Shame:

Shame is often confused with guilt. Shame occurs when a person feels there is something fundamentally wrong with them and who they are. Unlike the other emotions, shame does not have a positive purpose and itis important to teach your children the difference between 'doing' something wrong (guilt) and 'being' wrong (shame). Guilt can be beneficial as it alerts you to an action or reaction that has harmed or damaged someone or something. To feel shame is the opposite of self love and is the route of low self-esteem. Shame is created in childhood and is of caused by a lack of emotional regulation. Shame is often at the heart of mental illnesses. People often create many defences against this emotion on an unconscious level. The number one way it is experienced is when people hide who they really are for fear of 'exposure'. This can take many forms. Some people withdraw and hide, others lash out and become seemingly egocentric or angry. All people experience a great deal of internal strife with this emotion but it is not easy to recognise physically. 

Some associated emotions and feelings for shame include:

Humiliation

Embarrassment

Shyness

Guilt

Self-hatred

Loneliness

Emptiness

Powerlessness

Lacking

Joy:

Most people will understand this emotion to be 'happiness'. This is considered the most positive emotion and this is because it feels good. Happiness can come in many forms but it is identified by it's lack of internal strife and misery. This emotion denotes a sense of peace and calm, even if there is energy and excitement. The peace described is internal. Happiness is felt in the body in the form of energy, smiles, head held high, glowing/sparkling eyes, bouncing or having relaxed muscles. We feel the happiest when we are being our true selves and doing what we feel is right for us fundamentally. We can also find joy and happiness in relation to other people's joy. The catch: to feel happy is to have a healthy relationship with all the emotions so that you are not in resistance to them. Resistance to emotions prevents inner peace.

Some associated emotions and feelings for joy include:

Happiness

Excitement

Glee

Calmness

Peaceful

Tranquil

Euphoric

Blissful

Content

Uplifted

In a nutshell:

Many of us will have been under regulated in certain areas in terms of getting our own emotional needs met in childhood. This is not intended to create blame. This was not known in our parent's day and it is not common knowledge now. I am hoping to be a part of the solution to that and to inform you all about how important our emotions are and how vital it is to teach children how to manage them. Resistance to emotions is what causes the most suffering, not the emotions themselves. Somewhere along the way we have been taught that certain emotions are negative and that feeling pain or fear is wrong. So many motivational quotes will tell you not to feel your fear or anger. They will tell you to focus on the positive and ignore the past. The truth is, the past doesn't go anywhere and neither do these needs. We just develop ways of coping which often cause us more harm in the long run.

I will attach a video from my Youtube channel which gives you a great activity to teach emotions to your kids. Please feel free to ask questions or comment below. You can also email me personally at tacklethefeelings@gmail.com.

I hope this has been helpful!
XX
Paula

Shame on me, Shame on you

Please check out my video's on my Youtube channel or like my Facebook Page for parenting support and information XX

Hi folks,

This was always going to be a tricky blog to write because of the vast impact the emotion SHAME has on pretty much all cultures and groups of people. And to be the bearer of bad news, the links to the negative impact of this emotion stem from childhood and how this emotion is misunderstood, under regulated or even inflicted by parents and/or guardians of the child. This topic can be triggering for people who have experienced trauma in the form of shame and I urge you to notice how you feel and pay attention to any resistances that emerge for you. Treat yourself with love and compassion when tackling shame.

What is Shame?

Let me start off by explaining shame a bit as it can often be confused with 'guilt'. Guilt is when you feel you have done something wrong. Shame is when you feel that your being or who you are is fundamentally wrong. Still confused?
Shame basically makes you feel inadequate or lacking in some way (or all ways) on a deep, personality/character, fundamental level. People who feel this way spend their lives attempting to hide this from the world. It becomes so ingrained that you begin to hide your shame from yourself unconsciously. Like me, many of you will be completely unaware of your shame but well aware of your insecurities and fears. So many of us have insecurities it actually becomes unusual not to have them. Some cultures, like mine, celebrate a level of humility and look down on over confidence and high self esteem. A certain level of shame is almost expected and considered normal in some Western cultures.
Have a think about yourself and your levels of self esteem, I have described a few,what I call 'shame bombs' below:
Perhaps you hate getting in a swimming costume in front of others or have issues with you body or the way you look. Perhaps you get intimidated really easily and feel your opinion will be laughed at or put down. Perhaps you struggle to trust your significant other or friends. Perhaps you have a fiery temper and are unable to control it and your reactions. Perhaps you have an addiction of some sort or battle with substance abuse (Some of you may be familiar with the term 'Dutch courage',which is fondly used to describe how alcohol frees your inhibitions and makes you brave). Perhaps you have a phobia or suffer from a mental illness (eg depression, anxiety, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, narcissism etc). Perhaps you are either the perpetrator or victim of domestic violence. Think of the impact of low self - esteem, what kinds of feelings associate with this way of being.What does shame FEEL like?

I have discovered my own shame in my journey of self discovery. Perhaps to ease the blow of your own shame being identified, it may help you to hear about mine.

My Journey of self discovery:

I had no idea I was sitting on a bed of shame. What I knew is that I had something big inside that was unprocessed and frightened me. If you start to study psychology and counselling, you develop a theoretical knowledge about things like shame. You know that to work with shame therapeutically you work in a similar way to trauma, carefully and gently. Despite having a real interest in this emotion, I did not make the links to my own experiences and reactions. Those who have read my previous blog will know I lost my mother when I was 17. I always attributed my unexplored pain or what I called my 'vault' to unprocessed grief and some issues I had with my mother as a teenager that were not resolved when she was killed. I am a person who reflects and is not afraid to work on herself. I believe in this process and feel it is vital to understand my way of being and experiences in order to help other's understand theirs. I never ask anyone to go anywhere I wouldn't go myself.

The problem was, I had no idea what I was up against and despite numerous efforts to resolve my grief I was struggling with anxiety and feeling like I was losing myself more and more, the closer I moved into my profession. This was actually quite the opposite. I was starting to grow frustrated with how I was reacting to things. The more I worked with children and families, the more I started to burn out. It was my eventual burn out at the end of the year that pushed me into therapy with someone I chose specifically. My therapist is also my mentor and I absolutely love how he works and thinks. This is important.The relationship between you and your therapist is fundamental. Why you may ask, because this process requires trust and vulnerability. You need to work up to a level of trust to allow yourself to revisit your childhood or perhaps a better way of looking at this is 'inner child work'.

My mum was empathic, loving and warm. Not a day went by that she didn't tell me she loved me when she was alive. Anyone who knew her would be shocked to hear me speaking like this. I did not accept any of this easily either. Week after week I tried to resist this concept, this shame. In terms of attachment (relationship bond, critical to healthy childhood development) I am not secure. To be specific, I have an 'insecure preoccupied' attachment style from an 'anxious ambivalent attachment' [John Bowlby's attachment theory - for those wanting to know more]. What this means in non clinical terms is that my mum was inconsistent at times and I lacked boundaries. My mum struggled to say no and despite very early childhood discipline such as spanking and enforcing rules, I was often given far too much control and say in my upbringing as my childhood progressed. If my mum was unhappy about something, she placed the decision on my shoulders but made me feel guilty for 'wrong' decisions. I lacked guidance in the form of structure and routine. My mum lacked conviction and confidence in her rules. I ruled the roost. My attachment style means that my mum and I were very expressive and close but our emotions were far too entangled and volatile. I was always mature for my age, due to being given too much responsibility too early on, which encouraged the belief that I was able to hear things that were not always appropriate for my age. This was not limited to my mother, most adults forget my age and still do. The role of child and parent was often confused and not clearly defined. I have always been pretty good with my brain and learnt how to manipulate situations into my favour from very early on. We all create defence mechanisms and these are dependent on many things, namely our personality and family culture I believe.

My Shame started as a baby:

Unfortunately this did not all begin in childhood. It started earlier than that. And this is difficult to convey because I do not have clear memories. My shame started as a baby. Shame may occur when needs are neglected. I want to stress that none of this was intentional in my case although I am aware that this is not true for everyone. I have discovered that I wasn't consistently attended to. I had to piece bits of memories together like a puzzle. I wont go into detail but will share a few. I remember my mother saying things like she was lucky if I slept 20 minutes at a time. I remember her suggesting to a young mum to leave her baby to'cry it out' at night. I have seen a photo of my extreme distress when having a bath. I have temperature issues now which suggest I was not attended to in terms of being too hot or too cold. My mother believed that babies don't feel the cold like adults do. So as you can see, there are little things, often based on beliefs from that era, that show neglect but not intentionally. I also needed to take into account the fact that my mum was a single parent, we struggled financially, my mum had her own past trauma's and had health issues (osteoporosis). I have a suspicion she may have suffered from Post Natal Depression, but not much was known back then and support certainly wouldn't have been free in South Africa.

I want to highlight the most important part in this - inconsistency. As a little baby, without thoughts or brain development outside of instincts and drives, I was completely dependent on my single mother to keep me alive. If I needed something, I would have cried or cooed and attempted to get attention. As a baby, my instinct would have been one of extreme fear and anxiety if my needs were not met. This is because on an instinctual level I knew I would literally die if not attended to or left alone in the world. Thus if you leave a baby to cry and cry and ignore them, this creates fear and anxiety due to survival needs. This can be true for children in their formative years too (under 4 or 5 years old). When the child is hungry but does not get fed, or feeling pain but does not get comforted and looked after, or is cold but does not get given something to keep them warm etc, the child becomes insecure. The world does not feel like a safe place. They are not able to understand the complex reasons for why the parent is not attending to them. When a baby is unable to see or sense their parent or an adult, they do not have the brain development to understand that the parent still exists and will come back. They learn that they are not worthy of this attention or the attention is conditional if parents are continuously inconsistent in meeting needs and this creates 'shame'. Even babies will start adapting their behaviour to attempt to get their needs met, thus learning they have to be something else in order to receive love. They live with a fundamental fear and as the years go on this fear and belief that they are unworthy becomes completely embedded and internalised. They learn that being who they are and acting on how they feel is not acceptable.

Every individual is different:

Each individual person will react differently to this and develop their own ways of coping. These coping mechanisms are often valuable in childhood but become maladaptive later on. For instance I developed a temper. If I felt someone was attacking me in some way, I fought back. I developed structures and things in my life to 'prove myself' and I like control.In fact I need control and even as a child I was extremely bossy and battled to share. I don't take to authority well. I become overly familiar with people quickly and my close friends are like family to me, yet I always feel this is conditional. Underneath I often feel like I have to give something in order to receive. I question people who love me for me and for years accepted that people like me for certain parts of me but would not like me if I expressed what I really felt or what I really needed. I wasn't dishonest, I just showed people parts of myself depending on what I thought they would respect and like. I am lucky because I am extremely good at reading people and have made this way of life something almost innate- but not quite. This, I believe, is the reason people say that you can feel lonely even though you have so many people in your life that love you. This sentence is another shame bomb. You feel lonely because you are alone. No one is seeing you. No one is hearing you. No one truly knows or understands you. You don't even know or understand yourself.

Shame creates a feeling of emptiness:

People with shame often feel an emptiness inside that cannot seem to be filled. It's that feeling of lacking, of not belonging. This is shame. Many of us have learnt to repress certain emotions such as anger or sadness. A good example is gender stereotypes where men are discouraged from the more 'feminine' emotions such as sadness and fear. Thus my culture is full of men who suffer in silence and are unable to even talk to their friends about their pain. Shame is a powerful emotion and is bigger that most people know. We use every trick in the book to avoid feeling it and often these include destructive or harmful behaviours.

Why punishment creates shame:

Understanding what shame is and how it operates is extremely important for all people. Punishment is often our first port of call for pretty much most 'bad' behaviours. Punishment, without understanding and help for the person, exacerbates problems. Look at the prison system or issues with substance abuse for a good example of this. We need to be tackling shame and helping people find ways of healing this. Teaching people why they feel the way they do and helping them to find healthier ways to react. Bringing shame out to the surface releases it's power on you. Punishment creates more shame. This is why I am completely against spanking. This is one of the most shaming strategies a parent can use. If you have already done this, it is important to spend some time building on your child's self esteem and teaching them about emotions and how to better react to them. I know this is hard to hear, but spanking a child for a bad behaviour is like punishing them for your lack of ability to teach them the correct behaviour. I always find it ironic that parents will spank their child in order to teach them not to hit, or bite, or push etc. You are not modelling the correct behaviour when you do this, rather they can see that you hit, so the problem must not be the hitting,it must be them, they are the problem...shame bomb! Children are resilient, you can completely turn this around! Teach your children about emotions and give them appropriate ways to cope with how they are feeling.

There is always hope!

All is not lost for adults too. The trick is to re-parent, soothe and nurture yourself. For those who struggle, my best suggestion is to make use of a therapist that understands and works with attachment trauma (most experienced practitioners do). Always be kind to yourself and notice when you are being your own abuser. Actively aim to stop this. Cut yourself some slack and start honestly asking yourself what you really need.

XX
Paula