Understanding why people Self Harm

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What is Self Harm?

Self harm is an act of deliberately hurting oneself either physically or emotionally. 

When we think of self harm, many of us think of cutting. The image that pops into my head is one of razor blades and bandaged wrists. This is certainly a large part of self harm and there are many forms of physical harm people inflict on themselves purposefully and often ritualistically that can be mild to severe. Self harm is common amongst teenagers and there is a great deal of concern and fear amongst people (professionals included) around the dangers this form of coping creates. There are often a great deal of misconceptions about 'why' people do this as well as around the risk and dangers. A common misconception is that people who self harm are suicidal. This is often not the case. Self harm is a coping mechanism that people who are hurting emotionally adopt. It is done to create a sense of relief, regardless of what that relief may be to each individual person. 

Why choose self harm?

The reason I am writing about self harm today is largely due to this question. Why hurt yourself MORE when you are already hurting? I feel it is this mentality that creates a big divide between people who self harm and those trying to understand why. To help someone who self harms or to help yourself if you are self harming, this is a very important question to gain answers to and seek to understand.

I mentioned before that the intention of self harm is to create a sense of relief. For a person who is self harming, the goal is to hurt less, not more. To understand how physical pain or discomfort makes a person hurt less, you need to understand how emotional pain can hurt. Many people find this concept so difficult to comprehend as we live in a world that has mastered the art of repressing painful emotions. Many of us are very cut off from our difficult emotions and wear many masks in our daily lives to hide how we really feel. People who self harm are struggling to keep these masks on. They are finding their emotions difficult to live with, to bare, to keep in. They are in pain. Inherently,they have lost a sense of control and feel powerless to their emotional pain.

Self harm is a controlled act. It gives the person control over their pain. They are able to choose their pain and where to place it. They are able to distract from the emotional pain by redirecting their senses to their self inflicted physical pain. They have taken ownership of their bodies. They have pushed through numbness and reconnected with something tangible, something real and something that they can feel and manage the feelings of. Many people feel so awful inside that this form of punishment mirrors what they feel they deserve. It reflects what they are feeling inside. The outside wound helps to highlight the inside wound in a way that is outside of the 'unknown'. We all fear the unknown to some extent. Many of us fear our internal pain. The more emotional trauma we have, the greater the internal pain and the more enormous and frightening this 'unknown' part of us becomes. Self harm is a coping mechanism, it is done to create relief and ultimately 'help' the person. This is not the mentality of suicide, this is not giving up. In fact, this is a fight for life, for connection, for relief.

The Emotions behind Self Harm:

This is not a black and white answer because each person is unique and there will be many different core emotions. Some people, depending on their past childhood experiences and trauma, may have more than one core emotion. I would say that people who reach this point of coping will have an accumulated range of trauma ranging from mild to severe. Childhood sexual abuse is a common example to give for trauma leading to self harm as a coping mechanism. Chronic neglect (physical and/or emotional), physical abuse, unprocessed grief, chronic emotional abuse and disability are also good examples. There are also situations such as bullying, medical trauma and other external stresses and hardship that may come into play. Thus the core emotions can be fear, anger, disgust, shame or sadness; it all depends on the experiences and individuals involved. The key factor to understand, however, is that these core emotions have not been regulated or processed by the individual. These feelings have been repressed and the trauma has not been integrated.

The act of self harm and actively harming oneself in order to gain relief is done from a place of shame and/or disgust. Self harm is the opposite of self love and self care. As this act is a reflection of what the person feels inside themselves, it reflects a self hatred and loathing. Self harm thus comes from these negative feelings inside that are, for want of a better word, 'dark'. The act of self harm is a form of self punishment and the person consciously or unconsciously believes that they deserve this pain. Internally they are punishing themselves through negative thinking, low self esteem and judgement. The physical act is a reflection of this. They are not placing value on their physical bodies and have become detached from who they really are (their authentic selves) underneath all their internal pain and suffering. Shame is linked to powerlessness. As mentioned above, self harm is a controlled act which invariably brings about a renewed sense of power (however short lived). For people who feel powerless, self harm may relieve this feeling of powerlessness and the sense of control and power understandably can become addictive. 

Self Harm and connectedness:

The physical pain or discomfort also brings about a connectedness between the mind and body. For those who have endured physical and sexual abuse, this connectedness is a way to combat dissociation. Dissociation is a splitting of the mind from the body in order to cope with the physical trauma the body is enduring. This becomes a coping mechanism for many survivors of abuse, particularly sexual abuse. Survivors of this form of abuse develop many emotional triggers and will dissociate regularly when faced with reminders and triggers of their past abuse. Self harm is a way to feel, to connect to the body and to ground oneself back into reality or the present.

Self Harm is not always black and white:

Self harm is not always about cutting or burning or other visible methods. Many people harm themselves in other less overt ways. Eating disorders are a good example of this. Not all eating disorders require hospitalisation, starvation and obesity. Many people over or under eat and do this from a place of shame or disgust (self-loathing). I personally used to emotionally eat when struggling and at times still do. How many people eat food which they know is bad for them? How many people need caffeine to get by, a chocolate fix, a sugary reward for a tough day? Where is the line between treat and self harm? You just need to look at the number of people struggling with weight issues, body image issues and addictions to see that self harm is not a black and white issue. It is an emotional issue. Unprocessed emotions and trauma that have led to a place of shame and disgust.

How do you tackle Self Harm in terms of healing and awareness?

The first point I would like to make is that this is not a simple issue of 'attention seeking'. I find those 2 words extremely hindering in our modern world as I see them minimise and deflect very real and important issues going on for people. I often say to people, in any attention seeking context: If the person is going to this extreme to gain attention, it is a clear indicator of something being wrong. Our society likes to blame the victim. I feel this stems from fear and a lack of understanding and resources to deal with what they are being faced with. Seeking to understand, growing in awareness and finding compassion is vital.

We need to stop burying our heads in the sand. People who self harm are hurting and internally wounded. They need help not judgement. They are doing this from a place of shame, your judgement will increase this shame and place them more at risk. Ignoring them and pretending everything is fine is also shaming them as this translates into: I am not worthy of help, I disgust and repel people, I am not cared about, I am unlovable. This is when the self harm may start moving into a destructive path of suicidal ideation.

Shame is at the root of low self esteem

Self Harm is a cry for help. To help someone is to look past the behaviour and focus on their feelings. Listen, care, support and refrain from judgement. You can't remove someone's coping mechanism without giving them new ways to cope. The solution starts within, emotionally, through a positive relationship without judgement. Helping people to learn how to build up their self esteem and access self love. This is not an over night process and will often require professional support as well as support from loved ones. In a nutshell, the more support and care the person receives, the better!

Lets change the focus from 'what' the behaviour is to 'why' are people hurting so much internally? Why are people coping in this way? What do they need emotionally? Learn about the emotion 'shame'. The solutions lie within compassion, love and empathy. 

Lets not turn our back on those most in need of help.

Be kind to yourselves

XX

Paula

 

Emotional Triggers: What are they and how do they affect us?

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Most people will have heard of the term 'being triggered'. How many of us actual understand what that really means? This blog is for everyone as we ALL have emotional triggers to varying degrees. It is especially important for parents to understand what these are as they will influence how you parent. The number one area triggers seem to emerge for us is within our relationships, particularly our romantic relationships. Today I am going to explain what triggers are, how they work, the impact they have on our lives and how we can recognise them so that we can gain control back.

What are 'triggers'?

Triggers can also be called 'overreactions'. This has a negative connotation though and doesn't do any justice to the impact these triggers can have on us. This goes a lot deeper than simply 'being dramatic' or'seeking attention'.  We have an overreaction to something in the present, absolutely, but the reason for this overreaction or trigger is very much in proportion to the feelings and associations in our unconscious that have been brought about by past emotional trauma. In other words: Something in the present that we have become upset about is unconsciously reminding us of an emotional trauma in our past. Rather than seeking attention,we are seeking to get our emotional needs met that have otherwise not been met in childhood.

Childhood Emotional Trauma:

Childhood emotional trauma is actually unavoidable, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. This is because children do not have the brain development to make sense of their worlds outside of feelings and emotions. The thinking part of their brain develops later on. If children do not understand certain emotions and are not taught how to handle difficult emotional experiences, they are unable to understand and work through what they are going through. This means that they have not been able to get their emotional needs met and the experience becomes traumatic. When our emotional needs are not met we unconsciously develop ways to cope with this difficult emotional experience. As children we are not equipped to find healthy ways to do this for ourselves so the behaviours and unconscious strategies we adopt to cope with our difficult feelings will often become hindering and even harmful to our well-being later on. We bury these experiences deep down in our psyche and are often completely unaware of the impact they are having on our lives. Things go wrong, relationships break down, we develop low-self esteem, become very hard on ourselves etc. and will often ask ourselves: What is wrong with me or why do I keep doing this?

Most parents do their best to meet their children's needs but it is impossible to fully meet every need as the child does not have words to explain what is wrong or what they want. Emotional needs are often far more difficult to identify as they are not commonly known. Most people know about physical needs and do a great job with these. It is. however, very important for parents to understand the concept of emotional needs too as this will determine how we see ourselves, the world and other people. Many people find it very difficult to view their parents in a negative light and I was one of those people too. It is one of the hardest things to admit this to yourself, that your emotional needs may not always have been met. By being an adult who makes mistakes it is actually unreasonable to presume your parents did not make some mistakes too. That is normal and human. That doesn't mean you have not been affected by them though and to turn things around and gain back control you will need to honestly look at yourself, how you react and behave and where this all began.

An example of an emotional trauma:

As a baby you were scared in your cot at night by yourself. You did not have the brain development to understand that your parents were in the next room and you started screaming and crying because you were afraid that you were all alone. Your parents may have believed in the technique of leaving a baby to 'cry it out'and self soothe - this was and still is a popular strategy and is seldom done with the intent to create harm. In fact parents often struggle with it but persist as they believe it is the right thing to do.
Babies run on survival instinct and they will instinctively know that they need someone to keep them alive. If no-one attends to their fear by coming into the room and comforting them, anxiety will be created. If parents are inconsistent and the child is not regularly attended to, this may create an emotional trauma around fear and their sense of safety in the world.

The Impact: If inconsistency persists in the home and fear is not properly regulated, the impact of this early experience will be greater. People are all unique and how this under regulated fear will present and become triggered later on will be dependent on many factors. These factors are likely to include things like: Your personality, gender, other past experiences, your home life and environment, your insight and awareness and many more.
Perhaps the person will become either extremely clingy and dependent or become so used to self-soothing that they become emotionally distant and unable to rely on other people. This baby may grow up to realise that she 'overreacts' when her boyfriend does not come home when he said he would. This original fear will often come out in the form of other emotions such as anger, frustration, jealousy etc. The reaction is actually happening because the unconscious mind is making an association between the fear from childhood and the triggered fear of her boyfriend not coming home (fear of abandonment). Regardless of how each individual reacts, deep down they do not feel not secure and trust was therefore not developed between child and parent around emotional and/or physical safety. Thus a deep set anxiety or avoidance is developed within us unconsciously.

 Triggers and abuse:

I have clearly stated that we all have triggers and will have struggles from time to time in certain areas. It is up to each individual to decide whether they are happy with how they feel, regardless of the hiccups along the way, or whether these patterns and reactions are creating problems and require change. Awareness of what triggers are and that they are linked to deeper set beliefs and experiences may be enough for some people to create some changes if desired.

There are many people who are very affected by their triggers and are at the mercy of their reactions. Often this comes in the form of blame. This can be to the point where their triggers are having a negative impact on their life and their ability to function and be happy and healthy,particularly within relationships. In other words these triggers may be causing harm or have become destructive. This is when we need to look a little deeper as this often comes from a place of  child abuse and/or childhood emotional neglect. The impact of emotional trauma is much greater when their are other forms of abuse and neglect occurring. This is often cyclic and parents who have been abused and have unmet emotional needs parent children based on their capabilities and what they have been taught.

Triggers play a large role in this as people who have abusive pasts will be triggered by their own trauma more regularly and extensively. This is due to the lack of trust in their past caregivers, the world and inherently themselves later on. The world becomes a frightening place deep down and life seems to be all about survival. Becoming a parent increases the risk of being triggered for many people and there will be regular reminders of their own emotional needs and childhood trauma.You will often find this with a reaction of anger and physical aggression. The child may bring on a sense of powerlessness and overwhelm to the parent. This trigger's the parents shame and in order to regain that sense of power, the parent lashes out in anger. This is one of many examples. Parents who have not been taught love will have a hard time showing love. Parents who have been shamed or put down or violated will  often have a hard time creating boundaries and structure. They may also have a hard time being fully present. Some parents create too much structure and become almost Draconian in their parenting styles out of fear of losing control.
Often triggers and the pain and discomfort they arouse will become too much for people and they will find a way to escape or self-medicate (substance abuse, addictions, dissociation etc.). It is not hard to see why people who have been abused often go on to abuse later on. Some children bully other children for the same reasons, they are desperately trying to gain back a sense of power and control.

How do we recognise a trigger?

We are all different and the best way to recognise a trigger is to look at your reactions in relation to the situation. I have put together a few key points to assist you with this (there are many more and these are some guidelines to get you started):

• Look at how upset you have become and honestly ask yourself if this is proportionate.
• Look at who or what has made you upset and ask yourself if this has happened before in a similar situation
• Are you having physical reactions, if so, what are they and what emotion are they associated with
• Are you under-reacting or feeling 'numb' or apathetic when you feel you 'should' be upset
• Are you unable to let this go
• Are you thinking negatively about yourself or other people
• Are you feeling emotional or fragile
• Do you want to withdraw or hide away from the world
• Are you so angry you can think of nothing else
• Are you struggling to calm down
• Do you feel resentment towards someone for 'making you feel a certain way'
• Are you feeling threatened despite no immediate threat
• Do you feel as if this reaction is 'taking over'
• Do you feel panic when thinking of a potential outcome
• Do you feel disgust to the point of feeling sick in the stomach
• Do you feel you need to fight hard to get your point across and be right
• Are you worried about what people think of you

Making changes:

The best way to tackle a trigger is to recognize when it is happening and be brave enough to explore your feelings around this. The key to change lies in understanding where it has come from and how it is impacting you. Some people don't like the idea of looking back into the past and that is ok too. It will mean that although you will not be attending to the trigger and meeting those emotional needs (healing), you can still gain back a sense of control through recognition and awareness. 

Ask yourself: When have I felt this way before. Go as far back as you can remember. Learn about the emotions behind your triggers and make a point of meeting your own emotional needs. Allow the emotions to come. Soothe yourself instead of beating yourself up. If fear is at the heart of it, deliberately create safety and comfort yourself. If you are angry, find healthy ways to release this emotion (creatively or physically). If you feel shame and disgust towards yourself, be mindful or how you are thinking and treating yourself. Focus on your strengths and do things that make you feel good. If you are feeling sadness and sorrow or even despair, comfort yourself and be gentle and loving towards yourself. Take active and deliberate steps to attend to your own needs. Sometimes this means asking for help. Work on your communication skills. Be honest with yourself about what you need and start making plans to achieve this. Get some therapeutic support if you need to. You have the power to take the power back without causing destruction or harm to yourself or others.  

Remind yourself that when you are being triggered it is about YOU and your needs, not the situation. Therefore you will not find comfort in 'fixing' the situation, the answers to feeling better lie within XX

Take care,

Paula

You deserve peace of mind! 

    

A easier way to understand 'Childhood Development', 'Emotional Regulation' and 'Attachment' in Parenting

Please check out my video's on my Youtube channel or like my Facebook Page for parenting support and information XX

No child is born 'evil' or 'bad'. Despite many people out their believing otherwise, the very tough home truth is that children are a product of learning or circumstance. This is something I believe with my whole heart and if no other message goes through, let it be this one! If you were told something awful like that as a child...it is not true. Simple. What isn't simple, however, is understanding why children develop behavioural problems, or behave in ways that are associated with our idea's of 'bad'. I thought the best way to go about this would be to explain some of those fancy phrases or terms such as 'attachment', 'emotional regulation' and 'development' in a way that is easy to comprehend and apply to your own lives.

DEVELOPMENT

I will start with development as most people know about this to some degree - if for no other reason but because we have all progressed through early development ourselves and continue to develop throughout our lives. When development is mentioned in relation to children, it is about how a child is growing, learning and reaching milestones specific to a rough age group. Theorists such as Freud and Erikson (the 2 that spring to mind the most for me) and many others have attempted to create comprehensive 'stages of development'. I wont go into what their theories are in this forum but I will discuss this concept of developmental stages a bit as it can become a great source of stress for parents, particularly if your child is said to be 'delayed' or 'immature' for their age.

There are many theories but none of them are absolute and rigid. These milestones are meant to act as a guide. Children should start to teethe, walk, talk, make associations etc around certain ages. Some children advance in some areas and take longer to develop in others. This is normal. Your child is unique and special and should be assessed as an individual, the same as adults. Some areas require more effort and support than others on the part of parents and educators. Children are often put through assessments at school in their early years in order to assess for readiness to move up to the next grade or level. Ideally this is done in order to support the child, not to criticise and pass judgement. That said, many people do feel judged and finding out your child is behind can be quite confronting for parents. For the most part,delays in development are not an indicator of disability, slowness, lack of intelligence or underlying issues. Often it is about being flexible and understanding that your little nipper is constantly learning and their brains are still developing. Children are each exposed to different stimuli, experiences and learning opportunities and the rate at which this learning takes place is going to differ slightly for each child.

When to be concerned:

With everything, it is always good to consult with a professional if you notice areas of struggle or delay that are worrying or substantially different from other children their age. Keep talking to your Doctor and keep yourself informed about what milestones to expect from what ages so that you are able to align your expectations with your child's capability. When professionals assess a child for abuse, often these developmental stages act as a guide for abnormal behaviour. An example would be a child who is being abused may regress or halt development in certain areas like speech. Teachers should hopefully pay attention when children who are, for example, 3 years old and have not started forming words or sentences yet.

EMOTIONAL REGULATION

This is something that you may actually know about on a basic level. We need to teach children about emotions and appropriate ways of expressing them. This is something most parents do naturally. Emotions are learnt through modelling (children watching you and your emotions) as well as through validation, which is when you reinforce their emotional experiencing by acknowledging their feelings. If you try and hide emotions from children it can actually be more harmful than protective because young children are more in tune with their intuition and senses than with thoughts and reasoning. They will pick up on your emotions and react to them. Being appropriately transparent is a great way to teach your children about different emotions and take away the fear surrounding the more negative emotions such as anger and sadness, I want to stress that you do not need to be transparent about your problems and the reasons you are feeling a certain way, adult problems should not burden children. What you should do, however, is explain that you have an adult problem and it is making you feel sad or angry or frustrated. If you are crying, explain to the child that you are crying because you are feeling sad etc. It is a parents job to familiarise and support children through their emotional experiencing so that they can feel comfortable in their reactions and do not feel guilty or ashamed of 'how they feel'. I find it is easier to teach children about emotions like you would shapes, colours, the alphabet and other common lessons. Associate emotions with colour and ask children to match different emotions to the colours they think represent the emotion. There are many lovely activities to help you with this but the best way is to lead by example.

What happens when a child's emotions are not regulated?

Due to the sheer enormity of child abuse and mental illness, this is an area that is strongly backed up by research although the negative effects of insufficient emotional regulation have been known to many frameworks of psychotherapy and psychology for years. Within child abuse literature and laws, neglect has been proven to be just as harmful, if not more harmful in some cases, than physical abuse. The reason is due to this regulation of emotions and attachment (which I will chat about shortly). Neglect is not simply about not playing with your children or not giving your children constant attention. It is about failure to help them develop and learn, failure to build up their strengths, failure to validate them as human beings and failure to normalise their experiences and teach them that feeling emotions is normal and not to be ashamed of. Safety is not only about a physical environment. Children need to feel like they can make mistakes and will still be loved and accepted. They need to be able to have trust in the people caring for them and they need to be able to ask questions and learn how to manage their feelings appropriately so as not to harm themselves or others in any way.
Going back to my initial statement of children not being born bad or evil, this is a prime example. Children do not have the mental capacity and ability to process their feelings and articulate their needs like adults can. That does not mean they do not feel the same emotions, it means they often are unable to understand them. Children who behave in challenging ways are often acting out their emotions due to a lack of a better outlet or guidance. They are attempting to get their needs met. Discipline and structure are important here, not in terms of punishment, but in terms of safety and boundaries. When you punish a child for expressing their emotions inappropriately, it is important to spend some time teaching the child more appropriate and healthy ways to react without shunning the emotion itself. ALL EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT and serve a purpose.
If a child has never been taught how to understand their emotions they will struggle in life to various degrees. The child may go on to develop low self-esteem, mental illness such as anxiety, depression and in extreme cases, more serious mental illnesses such as Borderline Personality Disorder. They will most likely struggle to have healthy relationships and may struggle to handle stress in life. As they have not been taught that certain feelings are normal in certain situations, they will have to work all of this out for themselves along the way. This will mean that they will struggle to feel confident in their reactions and may feel out of control and easily overwhelmed. A good example of a child not having their emotions regulated is when the primary caregiver has mental illness, lets say depression, and struggle to feel their own positive emotions such as joy and excitement and thus are unable to model these to their child. The child may race home with a gold star only to be met with a half hearted smile. The child may become confused and mistake this reaction for a mistake in their own feelings 'this gold star is not something to be excited about'. That lesson will be learnt and the child will be left with confusion. Later in life the child may go on to find that they are unable to recognise joy and excitement.

ATTACHMENT

This ties into both development and emotional regulation and stems from 'Bowlby's Theory of Attachment'. It is about the relationships and emotional bonds
that are formed  between people. Children will form an attachment to their primary care giver, usually the mother figure. This is different to other relationships of friendship and romantic attraction/love. It is a deep relationship requiring trust and a sense of belonging where the person creates a bond that is extremely influential to their sense of being in the world. The earliest attachments in childhood are the most important and impact behaviour, self-esteem and self reliance and have a lasting impact throughout the child's life. To have a secure attachment, your child will learn that you love them unconditionally and will be dependable and reliable. Again, many parents do this naturally by meeting the infant's needs, accepting the child's mistakes, spending quality time with the child, creating structure and safety and routine in the child's life, teaching the child continuously, being patient, showing and expressing love and guiding the child through challenges.

When the attachment is not secure: 

This can happen for a number of reasons, namely, it happens when a primary care-giver is not consistent or does not create this bond effectively with the child. Inherently, it happens when the child's needs do not get met (physical, emotional and other). If the child continuously receives mixed messages, they will become confused and will not feel secure. This happens when a parent is abusive and the child is never sure how the parent will react. It can also happen when a child is neglected or left to fend for themselves in some way. It also happens when the child's emotions are not regulated. Not having this security can lead to a range of issues down the track for example they may be unable to form healthy relationships, either becoming too dependent or too avoidant, unable to feel secure in a range of areas within their life. Thus this impacts self-esteem and confidence. Some people may go on to suffer from various forms of mental illness, similar to a lack of emotional regulation.

Some final words:

As a parent it is your job to teach your child how to believe in their own ability and experiencing. It is important to take care of yourself so that you may take care of your child. The best way to teach a child is to lead by example. I hope this has not created fear in new parents, it is not meant to frighten and scare, rather to inform. Love your children, treat children like children and don't expect children to deal with adult issues. Children learn best through play and through modelling so remember, live by example and do not use your children to meet your needs, it should be the other way around. There are no rule books and formula's, you will mess up more than once and that's ok. It is how you handle the mistakes that count in the end. Dr Phil always says 'it takes a hundred atta boy's to make up for one criticism. Never call your child names like stupid, useless, bad, hopeless etc, they will believe you and take this on board. Always punish the behaviour not the person. Your behaviour is naughty not you are naughty. Take time to explain why you are angry or upset with them, let's get rid of the 'because I said so' and replace it with a solid response 'mummy wants to keep you safe and so the answer is no'. Encourage questioning and exploration and encourage tolerance and love!

Those are my thoughts and I encourage you all to keep learning about this and find ways that work for you and your family.

XXX
Paula