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Loss is a part of Change
Something that has been very prominent for me in my own
healing journey has been the amount of loss I have experienced whilst making
the necessary changes I have been making in my life. I have been reflecting on
how change occurs in our lives and how painful this part of life can be. Most
people know all about change and how it can turn your life upside down and make
you feel unsure of yourself. What most people don’t bank on, however, is the
grief that accompanies even the smallest change.
Grief and Change:
In order for new experiences to enter into your life, you
need to make some space for them. The very nature of change means that the old
ways you have grown accustomed to, are found to be no longer applicable to you
anymore. Unfortunately, this can happen with people too. Similarly with
decision making, in order to invite in something new or make a decision to
change, you have to sever, let go or abandon something old. A quick example
would be that you may decide to change your breakfast cereal to toast. In order
to have toast in the morning instead, you must STOP having cereal.
This ‘letting go’ can bring about feelings of loss and
grief, especially if the changes you have made have included people or places
that have significant meaning in your life. You will need to go through a
process, a grieving process, in order to accept these changes and make them a
part of your current life. For some people, this can take time. The changes do
not always have to be difficult changes, in fact they can be very exciting and
joyful. So many people get caught in this trap, the ‘I should be feeling
happy…’ trap. What isn’t taken into account, however, is how difficult the
process of change is, regardless of how good or exciting the change is by
nature.
With every new beginning comes an ending:
We are built to mourn the endings we face in order for us to
process the changes in our lives, in how we see ourselves, our environment and
the world in general. We feel loss at all the feelings of what could have been
and the regrets we may hold. We feel loss at the ending of any future plans we
may have held. We feel loss at the changes within us and how we used to think,
used to feel or even how we used to react. We may not have liked the way we
reacted or behaved but it was familiar. It was a part of us and for us to move
forward, we need to create closures and endings and find a way to let certain
things go.
Sadness and Loss:
The core emotion of loss is sadness. Sadness is a heavy
emotion and can often make us feel as if we want to withdraw and wallow. It is
a very low energy emotion and I look at it as if it deliberately slows you down
in order to allow you to take time away from your everyday life and process
what has happened. We may feel longing and sorrow, which can lead to feelings
of remorse and regret. We may feel untrusting of ourselves and the decisions we
have made. We may feel alone and unsure of ourselves. We may feel angry and
frustrated. We may even feel anxious and panicked. Mostly we feel as if we are
all over the place when we are going through change. It can all feel a bit
‘unknown’ and that can be very frightening for many people.
Sadness requires gentle self-soothing:
When working with sadness as an emotion you are experiencing
(or your child may be experiencing), you want to aim for soothing and
comforting forms of attending to yourself or loved one. Think of a child who is
crying and sad, what would you want to do for that child? If you were
emotionally regulating a child with their sadness, you would want to start by
helping the child to understand what they are going through. You would want to
help them feel ok with their feelings of sadness (validation) and help them to
understand that everyone feels sad sometimes (normalising). You would do this by
acknowledging how much they have gone through and how normal it is to feel sad
when people go through something like this. You would use your voice to show
the child you are there for them and a calm and comforting presence for them.
You would use physical affection such as hugging or holding them, holding their
hand, stroking hair, rubbing shoulders, sitting next to them etc. You would
also allow them to cry and support them while they do. You would NOT call them
names like ‘you are being an idiot’ or ‘what the hell is wrong with you!’ You
would also try to resist cheering the child up and would allow your child to
feel sadness and work through it with your help.
This is what your own inner child needs too. When you are
going through a big change and find yourself struggling and feeling a bit down
or overwhelmed with it all, think about the loss and grief that accompanies
change. Think about how loss has a core emotion of sadness and attend to your
inner child who may need some help with these feelings of sadness. Nurture
yourself and question your feelings in a non-judgemental way. Comfort yourself,
be gentle with yourself and stop placing unrealistic expectations on yourself.
Change is tough!
The light at the end of the tunnel:
The dust will settle! Often we rebuild ourselves in bigger
and better ways when we take the leap of faith and make changes in our lives.
Sometimes the changes are imposed on us and we feel we have no choice. That
does not mean we will not rebuild in better ways, it just means that we will
likely experience more loss and difficulty as we may not have felt ready for
the change.
Either way, loss is a part of change and change is a part of
life. We are designed to cope with loss and grief for this very reason. What
makes both change and loss hard and tricky is our aversion to painful
experiences and emotions. We have it in our head that anything difficult is NOT
meant to be happening to us. This is a false perception as there is not one
person in this world who has an ‘easy’ life. We are aiming for the impossible
if we are aiming for easy.
The freedom comes when we find acceptance. When we accept
that we have everything we need inside us to get through anything that gets
thrown our way. We may lose people along the way and people may decide that
your changes are not suited to them and their lives. It can be tempting to live
your life the way other people expect you too in order to avoid losing the
people you love (I get that). The truth is though, you are the most important
person in your life. You have to be. This is how you will find happiness and
this is how you will find out who you really are. People may just surprise you
or you may find that the people you lose have made way for people who will love
you through your changes to enter your life. As long as you are following your
heart and doing what is best for you, it will all start to fall into place!
All the best with those new beginnings
XX Paula
