What is going on in South Africa...Emotionally?

Please check out my video's on my Youtube channel or like my Facebook Page for parenting support and information XX

In Brief, the situation is escalating:

I certainly don't claim to be a political expert here and I am far from all-knowing when it comes to the current economic, political and social climate that faces the country I have lived in for most of my life. We read all sorts of chilling reports of farmers being tortured and killed, xenophobic attacks, extreme poverty, family violence, homelessness, high crime rates, violence, HIV/AIDS, lack of services, an electricity crisis, a corrupt government, a corrupt justice system and the list sadly goes on and on. 

We start to blame. We want accountability. We need somewhere to place our growing fear, anger, powerlessness, disgust, sadness and pain. Many of us are in grief. Many of us carry layers of trauma. Many of us are suffering an unimaginable sense of loss. We cry for our beloved country and long for peace and stability. Some of us watch from afar, like myself, having fled from the trauma or threat of potential trauma in search of safety and a second chance. Others watch the chaos around them, finding the South African sense of humour to be wearing very thin. We all fight. We fight openly or on the inside, these battles that are full of frustration, angst and bitterness. We watch as our people suffer or create suffering. We start to turn on each other. The only question on my mind here is:

What is going on in SA...Emotionally?

We will all turn blue in the face trying to point fingers and fight for our own beliefs about change and what should be happening. This is not to say 'stop fighting for change'. I want to talk about change when it comes to people. I want to share my observations, experiences and knowledge with you all in a way that has no separateness. When it comes to emotions there is no room for race, class, gender or age. We ALL have them.Our reactions to emotions and the triggers for emotions may vary, but we ALL feel. No one is worse or better off when it comes to our feeling bodies. I feel this is the ONLY place to start. I am going to break down 5 of the 6 core emotions for you and give you my take on each of these in regards to the beautiful people of South Africa, past and present. This situation did not emerge from race, it is exacerbated by it. To heal one must look at the root cause and I believe this lies in the realm of emotions. Childhood trauma is fundamental in this...hear me out:

Fear:

I thought I would start with fear as this emotion is very prevalent currently and has been for as long as I can remember. Fear is an emotion that alerts us to perceived danger or harm. It's benefit is to warn us and keep us safe. Fear is very much associated with our sense of safety and stability in the world. This is not just our physical safety, which is an area most people will think about initially. I want to talk about emotional safety. In my work I talk a lot about emotional regulation which involves teaching children how to recognise and manage their emotions. If fear is not regulated and validated as a child or these emotional needs regarding fear are not met, this creates an internal instability and anxiety. This can occur when there is no physical trauma and parents indirectly teach their children to suppress their emotions and don't comfort and soothe children when they are scared and anxious. Think about this now in terms of trauma. How many children have been abused and neglected. How many children have fled their homes due to violence and are now living on the street. How many children live in extreme poverty where they have no warmth, food, medicine and basic hygiene. Most children are unable to attend school and are immersed in problems that are way beyond appropriate for their age groups and comprehension. Children in South Africa witness violence on a regular basis. They live within a culture rife with anxiety and fear. They model behaviours of caution and learn from the beginning that the world is dangerous and people cannot be trusted. No matter who you are, if you live in South Africa you have childhood emotional trauma regarding fear and stability. Your sense of safety in the world is often in question. Those children living in poverty or on the streets have a level of trauma that is unimaginable to most people. Most people live in a state of survival which is contradictory to inner peace and freedom.

Disgust:

There are 2 forms of disgust. One is innate and all people are born with this emotion. This form of disgust helps us to recognize and become repelled away from something that may potentially make us sick or cause us harm. Think of bodily excretions, illnesses, rotting food or flesh, bad smells etc. Disgust in this pure form gives us an in-built protection and is extremely important.

The second form of disgust is learnt through our upbringing, cultures and experiences. This form of disgust is very relevant to South Africa as it is linked to our sense of morality. This sense of morality is based on our perceptions of social justice and our own personal beliefs. This is where racism comes into play. Similarly to fear, disgust is linked to our perceptions of threats and potential harm. When we are taught that difference is something to fear or is harmful in some way, we often feel a sense of disgust (sick to the stomach) when coming into contact with a representation of that thing. If a certain race group is seen as dangerous, immoral or wrong we will begin to create a divide between ourselves and this race group. This is caused by a fear of difference and the perceived harm these differences may hold. Our reaction to this race group will then become one of disgust as we have trained our brains to see this group as something harmful and dangerous.

The details of why these race groups may be harmful are irrelevant. The fact is that we have created this divide and categorized ourselves racially for a number of reasons. No two people are the same, regardless of their commonalities and identification to a race group or way of life. Creating separateness is done to appease our own emotional needs of belonging, stability and safety.

Shame:

Shame is different to guilt. Guilt is an associated emotion of shame and involves the feeling of having done something wrong. Shame on the other hand occurs when we mistake having done something wrong for believing there is something fundamentally wrong with us. This happens in childhood when the emotion of guilt has not been regulated. A common occurrence is when parents do not make the distinction of a behaviour being naughty and call their children naughty without fully explaining the difference. Children do not have the brain development to make this distinction for themselves.They will blame themselves for things that go wrong, for their parent's unhappiness, for problems that occur and so forth. If children are not taught otherwise they will develop a belief that they are not good enough or they are unworthy or fundamentally flawed. This creates low-self esteem and the more shame they experience, the greater the problems they will experience later on. Shame is at the route of mental illness. Shame gets in the way of our ability to be in healthy relationships. Shame causes us to feel triggered and threatened in so many ways. We develop a world of coping mechanisms to attempt to hide ourselves from others but most importantly ourselves. 

This is where blame and judgement comes in. In order to make ourselves feel better we compare ourselves to others. The more we feel superior, the more a false sense of comfort, belonging and safety comes over us. This doesn't last, however, because these needs cannot be met externally. This is why serial killers continue to kill again and again. They are seeking the relief they are anticipating getting when feeling powerful. Shame is strongly associated with powerlessness. The more powerless people feel, the more desperate they become to gain power. Our morals and values determine our limitations to how far we will go to achieve this. If someone has not been taught the value of human life, have not been taught compassion, empathy, love and respect...these limitations may become fragile. I believe the power struggles in South Africa stem from a deep sense of powerlessness in our nation as a whole.

Anger:

Anger is a powerful emotion and is linked to our sense of fairness, justice and personal boundaries. Anger helps to keep us safe by allowing us to create these boundaries around what we want and don't want in our lives. Most of the population live with a sense of injustice due to lack of services, financial stress, rampant crime, violations etc. This emotion also ties into our own self respect and how much we value ourselves. People who have a great deal of shame often struggle with setting boundaries and with feeling anger appropriately in relation to injustice or lack of fairness and respect. Victims of childhood sexual abuse are often a good example of this and will often find themselves in abusive situations again and again. As anger doesn't evaporate if not expressed, we internalise it. Many people struggle to regulate their children's anger and punish children for expressing anger. Anger is very closely linked to fear and often behaviours that reflect anger stem from the emotion fear, especially in children. 

South Africa has a strong and deep set culture of punishment, especially when it comes to parenting and childcare. There are no laws that protect children from this and therefore very little movement in regards to questioning this form of discipline. Children are emotional beings as their brain development for thinking and cognition does not start to develop properly until after the first 6 years. This means that although they are able to start having thoughts, their thinking is very basic and they are unable to conceptualise and rationalise in the same ways as adults. They interpret the world through feelings and they need someone to help them identify what they are feeling and what that means. Children react to their feelings through their behaviour which is often seen as being bad or acting out. Punishment in the form of physical aggression and violence (hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, forcing children to eat something like soap or hot sauce etc) creates a sense of anger in children. It becomes a vicious cycle. Many children in South Africa are taught to deal with their fear and anger (and shame as punishment in this form creates shame/powerlessness) through violence and lashing out aggressively. When you add trauma and fear this emotion becomes heightened and the aggression will increase.  

Sadness:

Sadness stems from a sense of loss. Loss comes in many forms and is not specific to people and pets. We feel loss when we have had to part with or lose something or someone of value to us. This can even be a part of ourselves, for example we may yearn for our younger years or a time when we looked or felt a different way. Sadness is at the route of depression and is experienced as a withdrawal, lack of energy, heaviness and grief. Pain and sorrow are closely associated emotions with sadness

In terms of South Africa there is an enormous amount of loss. Many people are experiencing loss in the form of finances, property, employment, theft etc. The biggest one is that of grief and bereavement for loved ones. Violent crime, illnesses such as HIV/AIDS and TB, starvation, driving under the influence and many other national crises mean that there are many of us who have lost one or more loved ones too soon. Grief is in itself a trauma and the large amount of grief and lack of services to support grief mean that people will again be prone to heightened states of fear, anger, disgust, anguish, blame and many more emotions that come from unprocessed grief. There are so many pressures on the South African population and so much exposure to pain and heartache, we become almost de-sensitised. I say almost purposefully. It is not actually de-sensitisation in my belief, it is again a survival mechanism of creating separation. This creates further divide. If we were to embrace the countries pain and sorrow fully we would literally implode emotionally. We would all be breaking down due to the inundation of the trauma and instability.

So where does that leave us?

This is not something that can be changed over night and in terms of the solution...that is largely unknown. What I do know is that we all need a new way of looking at things where we can bridge this separation and the racial and economic divides. As with anything, the only thing you can control is yourself. If everyone spent some time on their own trauma and supported those people around them I believe we could start to chip away at this emotional warfare. Be mindful of what you say and how you portray that to your children. Look at others with compassion and concentrate on your own boundaries. Be kind to yourself when acknowledging that you may be in survival and are living with emotional stress and strain. Make decisions based on your own needs and support other people for doing the same. If you are fighting and advocating for this country, do not do this at the expense of your own health and well-being. When you look at things from an emotional perspective you are not looking at the behaviours or the differences between people. We are all connected and we all feel. Causing pain always comes from a place of being caused pain. No person is born evil. Are some people dangerous, absolutely. Compassion does not mean welcoming these people into your life. Compassion means empathy and allowing yourself to see people as humans, see the damage for what it is and release yourself from feelings of hate and anger. Allow yourself to feel, it's ok to be afraid, to feel loss and pain, to feel whatever it is you need to feel. Start within and start meeting your own needs!

Take care
XX
Paula

The different faces of 'Disgust' and how to regulate this emotion

Please check out my video's on my Youtube channel or like my Facebook Page for parenting support and information XX 

There is more to Disgust than meets the eye!

I have recently explored the emotion 'disgust' in a much deeper way as I have realised this was an under regulated emotion for me in my childhood. We all have a pretty good idea of the general understanding of this emotion and will often use the phrase 'I feel disgusted' in many different contexts.

How many of us actually spare a thought for this emotion and what it means to us though? I know I have seldom spent much time reflecting on my own experiences of disgust. I spend a lot more time working on my fear and shame and even anger and pain. Disgust seems like a natural reaction to sickening things. Most people are aware of the feeling of disgust when coming into things like vomit, faeces, rotting food or flesh, symptoms of illnesses (boils, rashes, mucous etc.), pungent smells, weird textures and so forth. The benefit of disgust is actually to alert us to what may make us ill or harm us should we come into contact with it and is therefore a very valuable emotion we have for our inbuilt protection. It informs us very clearly what we should stay away from and all humans are equipped with this emotion (it is one of our core emotions). In fact I have read an interesting tit bit that has identified the 'scrunched up' face commonly associated with disgust is an innate reaction and not learned. It was previously believed babies learn this face from people who pull it when changing their smelly nappies. They have since found that people who have been blind since birth and who have never 'seen' this face will still pull it instinctively when smelling or feeling something 'disgusting'.

An example of a'scrunched up' face of disgust

I am, however, learning how much more complex this emotion is and wanted to share some thoughts around this with you all, particularly if you are parenting young children and teaching them about emotions.

Disgust is linked to our morality.

This is something you'll often read if you do a Google search on this emotion. What does it mean exactly, and more importantly, how do we regulate this emotion? Think about it, we often feel disgusted when hearing about certain social injustices such as rape, murder, torture, animal abuse, child abuse etc. It can make us feel sick to our stomachs. That is the physical reaction the emotion disgust often gives us. These social injustices feel pretty common and disgust seems to be a 'natural' reaction right? What about cultural 'injustices' or practices? I put 'injustices' in inverted comma's because these will be determined by our own individual beliefs. For some people the idea of homosexuality is considered 'disgusting'. Perhaps certain races provoke a feeling of disgust. We can feel disgust with certain diets and foods people choose to eat. We can find certain body shapes disgusting. You get the idea. Perhaps you feel disgusted when people hold the beliefs I have described above. 

The truth is that these forms of disgust are very much a product of learning, beliefs, culture and experiences. This is not an innate sense of disgust that you are born with like the reaction you would have to smelling faeces. When disgust is linked to our morality and sense of being 'sickened' at the thought of something, it can associate with other powerful emotions such as anger and fear. There is research showing links to the emotion disgust and Anxiety due to this association with fear.

What is the impact of disgust if not regulated?

The bottom line is that we will all have levels of disgust that influence our tolerance levels and behaviour. This is pretty much unavoidable because we are social beings and we are always learning from our environments and the people around us. We all come from many cultures. We come from a family culture, a social culture, an age group culture and many other cultures that we choose to associate with depending on our interests. We have many roles, we have one or more ethnicities, we have a sex and choose our gender, we join teams, choose professions and jobs and we make friends and identify with different groups.

When we choose something we are saying no to something else. This is life and life is full to the brim of decisions. So where does disgust fit in? What makes us feel such a powerful reaction to something where other people may not have the same reaction? We need to question this because at the end of the day the very things we feel are right or wrong are perceptions based on our beliefs and experiences. These all stem from our cultural upbringing. If we are taught that difference is something to be feared (many of us are taught this indirectly) then we perceive that difference to be harmful. If disgust is an inbuilt protection against something that could harm us if we come into contact with it...it makes sense that these acts of immorality will cause us a reaction of disgust. If this is a bit confusing I apologise. To sum it up, in order to regulate or manage the feeling of disgust, we need to remove the fear of difference. We don't, however, want to remove our empathy. There is nothing wrong with feeling disgust when learning of someone being harmed. In fact that is appropriate for the most part. We need to ask ourselves the question honestly 'Is this situation harmful to me or other people'? If we are living with disgust at the thought of people of the same sex finding love, we need to ask ourselves 'Why do I perceive this as harmful'? This will begin the process of unravelling our own beliefs and limitations.

              *Disgust and Fear both protect us from potential harm.

 * If we are taught that something is harmful based on a ‘fear’ we can feel ‘disgusted when we  come into contact with it.

 * If we are taught to fear differences instead of accepting them, they 'become' potentially harmful  to us and we react to this.

How do we teach our children about disgust?

When we hold a belief tightly out of fear to the point where an alternate belief causes us to feel disgust, we set ourselves up for a shame bomb (as I call them). What happens if you try something that you previously found disgusting and realise you like it? When this emotion is not regulated it can set you up to feel shame for liking that previously disgusting thing. Take the example of 'French kissing'. As a young child you may have found the idea of sticking your tongue in someone's mouth disgusting. Lo and Behold, try it and you realise it's pretty nice. If you are not used to this emotion and don't understand difference, changing opinions and trying out new things with an open mind you may think 'If I like this disgusting thing, I must be disgusting' (shame makes people feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with them). This is how shame works and children are very prone to this way of thinking.

To regulate or manage the emotion disgust the lessons to be taught involve 2 areas. The first area is around the innate disgust where you will attend to this emotion, name the emotion and validate your child when they correctly identify a substance, sight, texture or smell that is something to be avoided. Praise them for this and encourage them to trust their gut. This will keep them safe. It is important to remember that this emotion only starts to really form after about 2 years old so you will need to monitor them and stop them putting things in their mouths (many kids like to eat pooh etc,).

In regards to moral disgust which is centred around social justice and the sense of right and wrong, the lesson is around empathy and being able to see things from other people's perspectives. As I've said, we all come from a number of cultures and share different beliefs. It is impossible to avoid socialising your child into certain cultures or influencing their beliefs. You will also need to teach them about safety and what is lawful and what behaviours are harmful. It is very tricky to navigate. The best way is to work on teaching children about compassion for other people, teaching children about tolerance and helping children to understand that 'people are all different and just because they are different does not mean they are wrong'.

Children learn from you, watch what you are saying:

To end off I wanted to highlight that children model their beliefs on yours for the most part. You have the most influence over how your child views the world. This is why it is so important to keep conversations with children at an age appropriate level. If you talk about things that are beyond their comprehension, they will have limited understanding and make assumptions. You may make a small comment about someone's race and the child may form a prejudice against the entire race group as they trust you and your view points. You may rant about 'women drivers' and will be directly passing that same belief onto your child. Children are like sponges, be mindful of what you say around them. Teach children how to care about others and nurture their openness to question and learn. Teach them about difference so that they do not fear it. This is how you regulate this form of disgust.

I hope that's been helpful
Take care
XX Paula

Teach your kids to tolerate and accept differences :)