How to help children through divorce and separation

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This is a very controversial topic for a number of reasons. For the sake of this Blog, I am going to keep this very focussed on the children of divorce and not on the couple involved. 

The reality is unavoidable: Divorce statistics are high. 

More and more families are experiencing separation and change and this can be difficult for everyone involved. Parents of children struggle to make the decision to leave in many cases, due to societies habit of placing the fear of death and doom on parents in regards to their children's welfare. Today I am going to attempt to dispel some myths and give you the knowledge so that you are able to make the very best decision for yourselves. I am by no means advocating divorce, my opinions on the matter are irrelevant for this topic. My goal is to help you help the children of divorce.

Children are resilient: 

Let me start by saying that children are resilient. They are able to heal from just about any trauma if supported correctly. It is good to remember that children do not get born with preconceived notions of marriage and relationships. They will adapt to the environments they are placed in with the help of their attachment figures or primary caregivers (usually their parents).

The 'damage' people describe is not actually from the divorce and actual act of separating despite popular belief. What damages the child is the lack of stability that is often created when parents go through difficult splits. Staying together whilst unhappy can be just as harmful for the child, if not worse. Fighting in front of children is a well known 'no-no'. Fighting behind closed doors and displaying passive aggression is just as bad. Children can sense the discord. They can pick up all the emotions between you and your spouse. They will become confused and feel frightened of their feelings of fear as they are unable to understand them or articulate them (complex adult relationships are beyond their comprehension).
Most people know that children often blame themselves. The reason for this is that they have not developed the brain functioning (cognitive ability) to separate their experiences from yours. To understand the concept of 'other people's emotions'. When they sense anger and tension, they will FEEL it is directed towards them. When they sense pain, they will FEEL the pain somehow involves them. You get the point.

The emotion children experience is FEAR:

The main emotion children experiencing during this time is FEAR. When the decision is made for the relationship to end and one parent leaves the home, the child will seldom resent the parent for leaving, even though they miss that parent and will feel some loss. When anger and resentment are felt, these emotions are usually modelled from the remaining parent and thus that parent has indirectly taught the child that the emotions they are experiencing are anger or resentment. What they will likely be experiencing instead will be a sense of abandonment and fear that the remaining parent may do the same thing and leave them all alone. That is why children start to act out and push boundaries. They will often find ways to create a sense of safety and if unguided by you, this can take the form of being clingy, possessive, jealous and angry (to name a few). Their homes and belongings become unsafe as they feel they may lose them too, thus issues with sharing or letting go of things may arise. NB this is really about fear of losing you. Punishment is not the answer here, reassurance is. You need to consistently reassure children, both parents, that your child is loved and will not be abandoned.

So what causes the damage?

The very WORST thing you can do, and I mean this, is talk badly of their other parent to the child. This is actually quite neglectful of the child's needs because they love their other parent, no matter what that parent may have done. Children will love their parents through all manner of atrocities, this is the human condition and not one to be tampered with. Trying to keep your child away from their other parent is harmful to the child. The reason bad mouthing the other parent or preventing them from seeing the child for long periods of time is damaging is because the child will blame themselves. They will be confused and this creates shame. They love their other parent and want to see them but you are telling them that this parent is bad, that they don't care, that they are selfish etc. This indirectly tells the child that what they feel is wrong because they value what you say and they don't yet trust their own feelings. This creates shame. Shame effects self-esteem and stability. Again, reassurance is vital here and explaining to the child that this is not their fault and that they are loved is extremely important. If you can find a way to put your needs aside and focus on co-parenting, the child will not only heal from this change, but thrive in the same way they would if you stayed together.

It is very tempting to play the 'right fight' game during a relationship break-up. We all do it. Love brings out the best and the worst in us. A broken heart can turn people into very different people. One thing I often see is the need to scramble to get people on side. The wounded party in particular will often want to hurt the other person to show them how much they have been hurt. If they are not feeling valued, they may try to get 'back up' so to speak. Friends and family become involved and the number one reason for this...the children. Everyone has an opinion but no one has the facts. In an attempt to advocate and speak up for the children, the friends and family can have the opposite effect and create more harm for the child. Any added stress on the parent targeted for being in the 'wrong' will place the child in a more unstable environment as the child will pick up on this stress. Their fears of abandonment may resurface. They will bare the brunt of that parent's unhappiness and shame (disappointment in you from loved ones creates shame). The less people weighing in, the better, for this very reason. It is not helpful for the children of divorce for friends and family to impose and pass judgement or openly take sides. I know this is not always avoidable but if that is the case, own that. Acknowledge your own hurt as a family member and do not hide behind the phrase 'I am so angry at *** because of what he/she has put the children through'. The best way you can be helpful as someone close to the family is to offer your support. Offer to help out with the children while the parents muddle through their pain and heart break and work out a way to co-parent.

Put your children's needs FIRST:

As parents, your role is to put your child's needs first. You can't always control the other parent but you can certainly control your own urges and impulses. You have all the power in how your child copes with this. It is important that you prioritise your child's needs and find a way to work with the child's other parent. If the other parent has left and will not return, you need to help your child understand that this was not due to anything they did and definitely not because of who they are. Explain the other parent's behaviour in a way that does not berate that parent but shows that they have problems that cause them to behave in that way. Remember that the child is a part of their parents and by criticising the other parent, you are making the child question if that is how you feel about them. I strongly suggest getting some professional advice with the intention of best supporting your children if you are struggling to manage your own feelings and pain. Make it a priority to gain as much support for yourself during this time so that you are able to be the best parent you can be. If you are able to do this, rest assured, your child or children will be just fine. The damage comes from reactions to divorce, not divorce itself. As outsiders to the family, no matter what your relationship, you have a responsibility to provide support not judgement. When their are children involved the decision to split is never easy. It seldom comes out of the blue and it is rarely fully understood. We don't know what people are feeling deep down, what reasons they have. Even if we do understand, it is not our place to judge.

To sum it up:

So remember that children need reassurance and the best way to combat damage is to place your own needs aside a little bit and find a way to co-parent. Try to see your ex as the mother or father of your child instead and acknowledge that your child needs both of you. You don't have to like each other but you do need to find a way to respect each other as parents. Children need consistency above all as they will feel out of control and unstable due to their fear.
Tackle that fear first and foremost! Paula XXX